It’s Never too Late

I almost didn’t write about this because I honestly didn’t think this is the place for it. However, on the advice of someone I speak with often, I’ve chosen to write about it anyway.

My brother has been weighing on my mind heavily these days. There is no particular reason why, and nothing really triggered it, it just is. And I suspect that it will probably be this way for the rest of my life. There will just be times when he is more present in my mind than others.

I struggle with this because his death has lead me to how I perceive the world today, and how I treat the people in my life. I do my best to appreciate and accept all of my family and friends for who they are, flaws included, and give them unconditional love. After all, thats something we all want isn’t it? I try to live each day as it is because you never really know if you get tomorrow. And I try really hard not to sweat the small stuff, which is a huge challenge in my case since I am not a very laid back person. I’m actually pretty high strung. All of these things seem like positives, except for the path I was forced to take to get here. In my opinion it really sucks ass that it took my little brother’s death to gain true clarity and perspective.

There are days where I can see him laying in his casket, or in the pictures that the coroner took, (he would be so pissed at me for remembering him that way but sometimes I can’t help it) and it literally sends a jolt of electricity up my back. My whole body tingles, I want nothing more than to fall to my knees, throw my head back, and just scream until it hurts. Because almost nothing could hurt more than the vacancy he left when he died.

As much as I’ve tried not to project my emotions and fears on my children and my husband, it happens. This is not very convenient for someone married to an active duty infantry man. I almost pity them for having to deal with my crap, but it is who I am now, and no matter what I do, how I try to hide from it, escape from it, ignore it, it’s part of me forever. I’ve realized that hiding from it, or pushing it aside has done even more damage. I am no longer the carefree, no holds barred, person that I was. I think that coming to terms with that has been difficult as well.

As much as I worry about my husband, I appreciate every day that I have with him. Sure we have our disagreements, but I see our marriage, our friendship, and our entire relationship totally differently. I’ve also come to the following conclusion. It is never too late to appreciate the people in your life. It doesn’t have to take the death of someone close to you to see the world and the people in it, in a whole new light. No matter the faults, issues you have with family etc, you don’t have to let that ruin things. There is a way to get past it, and move beyond. Life is so short, and you never know when your number is up. So swallow your pride, say your apologies, and suck it up. Live happy.

Fear

I am as honest as I can be, when I can be about the lifestyle I lead. . . and I am going be completely honest at this moment. As my husband’s training slowly begins to wind down and we can see the light at the end of the tunnel, it suddenly hit me that by the time he’s done, he will have spent 3+ years where he has not deployed. This is unprecedented in the whole of our relationship.

In the last 3 years we’ve moved twice, and brought a second child into the world. Some military wives may say I’m lucky, but realistically this cycle of training has gotten me out of deployment mode. I am now in denial about what it is that my husband does for a living. On past deployments he rescued Jessica Lynch, climbed mountains in Afghanistan, and much, much more. So how, you ask, could I possibly be in denial about what he does? Well, in the last 3 years we’ve established a sense of normalcy in our lives. I’ve come to depend on him being around the majority of the time. And the realization that when he deploys this time, it’s not just me he’s leaving behind, but me and our children.

At our current duty station there are obviously a lot of army wives around. And currently a lot of them have husbands who’ve recently deployed. I find myself feeling like I’m back at square one, 7 years ago, having to relearn how to cope with my the idea that my husband gets shot at for a living. Only this time I can’t break down. I can’t fall to pieces in terror when the news anchor says that 6 American soldiers were killed today in Afghanistan. I can’t pull my covers over my head and sleep, because that’s the easiest way to deal with the fear of what may happen. I have to get out of bed, make breakfast, and move on with my day. I have 2 children to raise who won’t understand why mommy is scared or crying. Ultimately, I will put on my brave face, and go about my day as though nothing is that different.

I realize that the responsibility of instilling any sense of normalcy or stability in my children’s lives is solely up to me. Any fault or defect in their upbringing is on me. Not only must I bear the daily stress of having my husband in danger, but I must bear and negate the stress and fear my children feel as well. And then comes the inevitable question that every spouse with kids asks herself. Am I prepared to explain to my children what happened if daddy doesn’t come home. . . The answer is, I don’t know. I just don’t know.

I’ve already experienced the shocking and sudden loss of my brother, and my way of thinking of things is that God would not do that to me or my family again by taking my husband. I must believe that in order to get through each day. But I will tell you this. The next time my husband deploys, every time the doorbell rings, my heart will jump into my throat and my stomach will drop into my butt. I will take a deep breath and pray that there is not a uniformed detail of men at my door, because every wife knows what that means. I will revel in the fact that I haven’t heard from my husband that day, because no news is good news. For my children’s sake and the sake of my sanity I will try to forget what it is he is doing, but in the back of my mind I will always know. I will conduct myself in a respectful and classy manner in any and all situations, and I will pray for his safe return. I spent the first 5 years of our relationship dealing with deployments. I can, and I will do it again.

Portable Family=Portable Fun

Military lifestyle means moving around a lot. I find that which each move to a new city I ask myself, “What is there to do here?”. There are a lot of moves in my future, and only a few in my past so for those of you who’ve lived in places other than the ones I’m mentioning, please email me or leave a comment and feel free to contribute!

So without further adieu, here is a list of 10 things to do in and around some military communities.

Fort Stewart/Hunter Army Airfield – Savannah, Georgia
1. Go to the beach on Tybee Island
2. Peruse the art galleries and antique shops in City Market
3. Take a ghost or historical tour of the city.
4. Sample the unique local restaurant scene.
5. Attend the annual St. Patrick’s Day parade and celebration.
6. Take the family to Oatland Island Wildlife Center.
7. Take in a Sand Gnats minor league baseball game.
9. Go shopping along River Street.
10. Golf on many area golf courses

* Other near by areas of interest include Hilton Head Island, St. Simons Island, and Jekyl Island.

Fort Benning – Columbus, Georgia
1. Visit Callaway Gardens
2. Canoe on the Chattahoochee River
3. Visit the National Infantry Museum just outside Fort Benning Main Gate.
4. Take in a show at the Springer Opera House.
5. Visit the Coca Cola Space and Science Center.
6. Watch and interact with sea life at the Atlanta Aquarium.
7. Head to Turner Field for a Braves Game.
8. Stroll through the historical district and check out it’s local restaurants.
9. Go to Six Flags Theme or Water parks in Atlanta.
10. See the sights at Providence Canyon State Park in near by Lumpkin, Georgia.

Fort Knox – Louisville Kentucky & surrounding area
1. Go see the animals at the Louisville Zoo
2. Take a City Taste Tour.
3. Head over to the Kentucky Derby.
4. Take a tour of the Louisville Slugger factory.
5. Get on a tram tour of Louisville Mega Cavern.
6. Visit the Coca Cola Memorabilia Museum.
7. Relax at Freeman Lake Park.
8. Take a river cruise.
9. See the flowers and plants at the Louisville Botanical Gardens.
10. Swim and relax at one of the area’s indoor water parks.

Fort Bragg – Fayetteville, North Carolina
1. Visit Cape Fear Botanical Gardens.
2. Learn and play at the Fayetteville Children’s Museum
3. See and feed some unique animals at Jambba’s Ranch.
4. Swim and have fun at Fantasy Lake Water Park.
5. Learn about the Army at the Airborne and Special Operations Museum.
6. Cruise “Pottery Highway” to visit local potters and artists.
7. Visit the North Carolina Zoo.
8. Head over to Southern Pines/Pinehurst to golf some of the best courses in the country.
9. Take in a FireAntz Hockey game.
10. Spend family time at Carowinds Theme Park in Charlotte.

* Other near by areas of interest include the North Carolina beaches, events during racing season, and events in Raleigh & Durham.

Let Them Eat Cake

There are days when everything needs to be done. There is not enough time to do it all, and there is no one but you to do it. In the grand scheme of things I am not alone in this. There are a lot of people who do what I do. However I am in the minority of Americans in that my solitude is the majority of my life.

My husband works hard at what he does, and this usually requires long hours, field training which means weeks of him not being home, long deployments, and the list could go on. So yes, I spend a lot of time with just my children. That means that everything required to run a home and a family is my responsibility. Now imagine throwing in a full time job on top of it all. I don’t know how those women do it. I get so used to not having help that I no longer need it, even when I do. And even when my husband is home, I don’t want to bog him down with a huge “honey do” list, I would much rather relax and spend time with him and our children.

So today I decided, after two weeks of no sleep, that my baby was going to start sleeping in her own room as opposed to sleeping in the bassinet next to my bed. So I spent the day sorting, cleaning, moving furniture, and that was not just in the baby’s room. Once her bassinet was out of my room I had to reclaim my space and reorganize the furniture so that it looked the way it did before she was born.

Of course I must find the time to do all of these things in addition to the laundry, the dishes, feeding my children, make sure the bills get paid, vacuum, sweep, mop, and of course I can count on zero help from my husband. I am not complaining. It just is what it is.

During the time that I am focusing on getting my home functional I manage to forget to feed my son lunch. Left to his own devices, he finds the left over cupcakes from his birthday that I had ziplocked and stored away. I came down the stairs and there he was sitting at the table eating 3 cupcakes. . . Most days I am pretty intense about making sure that my son gets balanced meals, but on days like today when I saw that my sweet little boy had been hungry and knew I was working hard, he wanted to be independent and get himself something to eat. I couldn’t mad or even a little upset. So I sat down next to him and took a bite. I guess some days I just have to let him eat cake.

An Ode to My Elliptical.

You sit in the corner and stare at me.
You beckon, “come here and get on!”
I really don’t like to use you.
You just are not that much fun.

My husband gets paid to be fit
He is always in shape and lean.
By in shape I mean 6 pack abs.
With envy I sure am green.

So with my jiggly butt,
A gift from the 2 kids I made
I will utilize you.
And soon my jiggle will fade.

I will use you 3 times a week at least!
I will do sit ups, and squats too!
My jiggly bits will go away
All thanks to the help from you.

I swear I can hear you laughing
while I turn red and pant as I go.
I know that we should be friends
But oh, how I hate you so.

Foul February

With having a husband who does what he does, it is inevitable that you will wind up spending at least one or more major holiday or important family celebration with out him. Every. Year. This year he’s missing Valentines Day, ok not so bad. . . and my 30th birthday. In the immortal words of my favorite television program, “Isn’t that just kick you in the crotch, spit on your neck fantastic?!” Yeah. Not really.

This year my birthday falls on a Thursday. He is scheduled to be back that weekend, so my travel plans to see my bestest friend in Texas are kaput. But technically he won’t be home for my birthday. So what’s a girl to do? Part of me wants to put the kids to bed early, make a super rich and delicious (albeit fattening) dinner and dessert, buy several bottles of wine, and celebrate by eating, drinking, and watching one of my DVR’d reality programs, “Top Chef”. The other part of me wants to make appetizers, and invite some friends over to celebrate with me. . . hmm. Oh, and did I mention this is for both Valentine’s Day AND my Birthday?

I’m thinkin’ party at my house! BYOB!

The Importance of Friends

The last few weeks have been pretty difficult at my house. My husband has been in and out of the field since Halloween, something that is hard on me sure, but for the first time I realized how much harder it is on our son. The concept of why daddy is gone is lost on a 4 year old no matter how you try to explain it. For him, having daddy gone happens to manifest itself as potty training issues. Great. The prospect of washing my son’s entire wardrobe daily turned me into an insane-control-freak-basketcase mother which of course did not help matters for anyone. After day 14 of not peeing in the potty, I’d had it. I vowed we were not going to gymnastics or doing any other “big boy” activities until we could pee in the potty like big boys do. . .

Since we’d been snowed in all week we ended up going, more because of my need to get out of our house than anything else. Most of the mothers who have boys in my son’s class also have babies my daughter’s age. All of the women happen to be military wives. This makes for a group of women who have a lot in common, and a lot to talk about.

Since we move around so much, I’ve come to realize that it is not just important to have friends, but to also have friends who have young kids like me. Sure friends who don’t have children are great, but the lifestyle of having children is so vastly different from those who don’t. That day while my son was enjoying his hour out in the gym, I was enjoying my hour socializing with women who are literally just like me. We’ve all become good friends, and I received many sympathetic looks, words of encouragement, and advice concerning my son’s potty issue. After talking with them I felt normal, human, and much less alone. This is comfort that friends who don’t have children can’t always provide. Sure they can say what they would do, but unless they have been through it, or are going through it the comfort or advice is moot. And on the flip side, if you don’t have kids, do you really want to listen to me discuss mine? Probably not for long. To people who don’t have kids, I am probably a total bore. Not that I’m incapable of having an intelligent conversation about something other than kids, I love art, music, books, food, and more, and will happily enjoy discussion of many topics. But since my kids are such a huge part of my life, they are also a major conversation piece. For people with kids, conversation will inevitably be about the children at some point. Childless friends may smile over the latest antics of my 4 year old, but people with children will laugh along, nodding and smiling because they can definitely relate to the fact that my son flushed a geode down my in-law’s toilet.

While this is not necessarily an epiphany, my advice is that no matter where you go, make sure you have an arsenal of mommy friends in stock. When your husband is not around much, you’re gonna need them.